Development

Today I want to speak about the importance of emotional regulation. Not only its development and significance in our children’s lives, but in our own as parents, caregivers and individuals. 

Emotional regulation is an important skill that is developed over time. Beginning in childhood, its development is a key milestone. Commencing with the foundational skills of co-regulation and leading into self-regulation in toddler and childhood years and eventuating into emotional intelligence in adulthood, it supports everything we do during our lives.

Self-regulation is the ability to notice, grade and modulate your own feelings, ultimately learning to respond appropriately to them. It is the ability to naturally adapt to those around you or the situation at hand. This process won’t always begin naturally with some children, some find it challenging to express themselves and others occasionally mis-interpret information that allows them to optimally adjust to their surroundings.

Emotional regulation is at the crux of everything we do. 

It starts in utero and further develops via a connection with your parents once born. It is the foundation of the connection between parents and their child from birth, that creates the building blocks for our first stage of emotional development; co-regulation.

This process allows children to learn, explore and understand what it feels like to be soothed, especially in unfamiliar or uncomfortable situations. As infants, our parents offer affection and protection from the world as we enter into it. Throughout our earliest months of life, our foundations are being solidified. We are opening our eyes, processing more and beginning to push boundaries. 

As we continue to grow, we are connecting, becoming more alert and adapting to the world around us. This is done so through our sensory systems and the motivation to learn about new surroundings. 

Co-regulation involves a mutual understanding and safety net that our parents or caregivers provide, keeping us safe as we test boundaries and explore the world. This sense of comfort can sometimes give us that little extra push we need when new scenarios or uncertainty may arise. These experiences, along with meeting others, allow us to learn some essential non-verbal social cues, beginning our journey into self-regulation. 

We begin to learn self-regulation by sharing and working through our feelings. Having people around us modeling, teaching and supporting us to learn how to manage emotions, allows us to appropriately deal with feelings. Most people develop these skills by the time they enter their teenage years.

But what if we couldn’t learn how to self-regulate emotions?What if we didn’t feel safe in our surroundings?What if we missed all the non-verbal social cues from people in our family growing up?

What if we didn’t understand the emotions we had or had any control over them – not knowing how to self-soothe or react appropriately to a situation? This is what our children go through daily before being about to self-regulate.Children have difficulty understanding their body and the many feelings that they encounter day to day. So how do we support them through this and encourage development?

It can be very overwhelming as a parent or caregiver. The fatigue and ongoing support needed to provide guidance can be exhausting. As soon as we, the adults get overwhelmed and stressed, our capacity to cope and remain in a regulated state too, gets altered. Our own ability to regulate ourselves and cope in our everyday life is challenged. Often we are faced with a sense of guilt – not being able to cope with emotion on top of emotion.

So, how can we support you but also support your children in managing their self-awareness and emotional regulation for resilience, empathy and emotional intelligence? We thought we would offer up some strategies for you, the parent or caregiver to best take care of you and your family. These are:

• Checking in; asking yourself ‘what do I need to do to be my best self and what does my partner need to do to be their best self?’. Make a note for today, for the week for the month and for the term.
  
• The everyday essentials: sleep, good food, and staying hydrated. If you’re sleeping and eating well then you are supporting your body in the best way, having energy to work through the day
  
• Setting weekly intentions: set 3 realistic activities to achieve in the week that would make a difference to you and your family. One for yourself, one for your children and one for your family as a whole.
  
• Daily Intentions: sitting down and making a plan for each day to work towards these goals for the week. Do the important things first.
  
• Build your tribe: don’t be afraid to ask for help and reach out to those in your community.
  
• Breathe and Move: find what works for you. Mindfulness, exercise or even having coffee with a friend. Take a moment and a deep breath with things get too stressful. 
  

Once you’ve taken care of your own emotional well-being, look to your children. They too need support and strategies to continue to grow and develop their minds, empathy and social connections. The below strategies can be used before and after interactions, or even sometimes in the moment. 

• Build Body awareness: move, explore and climb. Get your children using their core and bodies in challenging ways. This increases their gross motor skills, posture control but also builds upon their body awareness and understanding themselves in space. 
  
• Experience emotions: let your children experience a range of emotions, help them understand what these emotions are and how to work through them by discussing their feelings.
  
• Modeling: don’t be afraid to get on the floor and act silly, expressing your emotions and how your body responds. Act out how you self-regulate and what strategies work for you to calm your body. Modeling emotional regulation strategies is very powerful for our children.
  
• Repair: Never forget the importance of repair. Talking and working through a situation to help provide clarity, understand perspectives and to emotionally interact with others is very powerful. Our children need to know when to say sorry and why. 
  

These strategies don’t always work for our children in the moment or when they are in a heightened state. It’s also ok to let them feel the emotion and allow it to eventually pass. In these moments, you can employ strategies to offer support if they attempt to reach out, these include: 

• Remaining available: remaining open and available to your child to let them know you are there as reassurance (even if sometimes they are telling you to “go away”)
  
• Ice chips or cold packs; chewing on ice chips, ice blocks or having ice packs available is a natural body reset. The coolness will help the child regulate their body temperature and start to cool down, inadvertently calming their emotions..
  
• Providing deep pressure or hugs (heavy work and deep pressure is a natural calmer and regulator). Each child reacts to this differently; some love hugs, others love to throw, hit or kick things. It is finding safe activities and strategies for them at that moment.
  
• Phrases of reassurance that you can offer up such as – ‘You are safe, It’s ok, and I love you’
  
• Respiration and breathing activities: bubbles, water,  or even a cup with a straw are all ways to practice breathing in order to calm your child down. 
  

Your own emotional regulation and health as an individual and as a parent is a central priority. In order for you to be a good parent, you need to self soothe and look after your own well being. If you are not ok, then your children are not ok. Please implement and give these strategies listed above a go to aid or expand upon what already works for you and your family. If you have any additional questions, thoughts or ideas, please do not hesitate to contact the Explore and Soar team, as our passion lies in helping our families on all levels. Supporting our families and building our children up to have great emotional awareness for themselves and empathy for others is perhaps one of the greatest things we as therapists get to do.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Jess

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED MARCH 4, 2020

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